yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
