How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
