My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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