man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
