By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
just found out that she named her cat after me.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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