My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
