didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
