i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
