I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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