afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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