Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
