he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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