I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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