please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Randomize
