I smell stomach acid.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
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and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
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You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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