I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
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