when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
