I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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