I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
