she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
