please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
