when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
