How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
