he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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