whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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