things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
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