ya dads aren't the best wingmen
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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