Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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