I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
