My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
