apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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