I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
