I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
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In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
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I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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