The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
