somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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