I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
