My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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