just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
