tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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