Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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