dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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