so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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