What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
