I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
