Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just sucked dick on a ferry
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
