I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
