the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
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