I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
