Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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