Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
