Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm getting married
To pizza
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
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