I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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