You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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