Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
