the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
