im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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