had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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