what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
